Not the 90’s TV show which myself and many of my generation were horribly addicted to.

We all have a wide and varied texture of people in our lives. Some are good, some are toxic, some are fun and some are just annoying.

Speaking for someone in their late 30’s there are lots of people who we come across in our lives and there are probably loads more but as a bit of fun here’s some small example that I’ve seen –

The Acquaintance (Neutral)

These are people you maybe bumped into at parties from years ago. They’re friends of friends and you occasionally meet them outside a pub at the smoking bit or in a haunt that one of you is maybe new to. Not much to talk about past a “How you been?” etc. and then you part ways with a smile and a “Good to see you mate!”

The Pub Pal

These are the people who’s company you enjoy but aren’t quite in your inner circle. You quite happily meet in a pub or go clubbing and they are very good company with a wide variety of topics you can discuss over a pint. However they are not people who you invite to your house or go camping with or anything like that. It’s no criticism of either party and no-one’s doing anything wrong but common interests only cross paths so far. In saying that most good friends usually start off as pub pals so it’s a decent ground for friendship trials.

The Acquaintance (Positive)

These are the folk that again you may have met a few years ago once or twice and who’s company you really enjoyed and maybe wished you’d got to know better but circumstances beyond anyone’s control or simply different circles prevented it. Always good to run into on a chance meeting before they disappear again.

The Inner circle

The inner circle mob have your complete trust. They are the sort of people you have over for drinks, they are welcome to crash if they want and they can generally hang around for as long as they want (within reason). Talking flows, you get excited about the same stuff and you aren’t afraid to act really stupid in front of them.

Constantly Serious

These are the people who rarely smile. Every conversation is 100% serious and has to do with weighty issue of the world. Great for in depth chats about heavy stuff like politics, personal issues and philosophising to quite a degree and their company can be deeply fulfilling but they don’t seem to get it when you crack a joke and aren’t the best fun at parties.

The User

Says it all really. Totally self absorbed with an agenda, but if you find one in your life that usually means you have something desirable or of use and that’s not a bad thing.

The New Pal

Always fun. Someone who you have recently met but seem to have tons in common with and is a great laugh. Similar to being in a new relationship but without the rumping.

The Old Pal

Nostalgia city. Maybe someone you’ve not seen in years and it can be great to talk about old times. Sometimes they stay in your life and sometimes not. Enjoy it anyway!

The Fuck Buddy

Self explanatory really. If you’re cool with what’s happening, everyone knows exactly what’s going on and you don’t tend to form attachments easily then this can be a lot of fun.

The flipside is that shit can get awkward later on and maybe someone felt a bit more than they realised, so when the other person moves on it’s hard. The friendships don’t tend to last either but sometimes they do.

Nothing wrong with it but be careful, you ain’t as hard and emotionless as you make out!

The Alpha Upper

This more applies to guys really but of course it can happen to girls too. It’s the kind of person who’s pretty sound and who you get on quite well with if it’s just the two of you, but as soon as someone else turns up or someone of the opposite (or same) sex then they try to Alpha up you by nipping insults your way in order to get a laugh. Not quite a bully but still annoying. Can easily be taken down by simply pointing out the fact they’re trying to alpha up on you. Works a treat!

The Alpha Upper can also mutate into The One upper, a similar type but one that’s constantly trying to belittle you.

The Forever Joker

Possibly one of the most annoying ones, the forever joker is the person who doesn’t know how to switch off the humour. Great fun in the pub or just in light hearted company but it becomes old when you try to say something serious or maybe something which is difficult for you and right away the jokes start.

It’s unclear if these people are suffering from a severe defensive complex that they can’t let down their guard or they simply can’t read a situation like it is.

Everyone loves a laugh but there is definitely a time and a place.

The Good guy/girl

This is someone who you want as a pal. They’re halfway between The Constantly serious and The Forever Joker. they can have a real good laugh and they’re lots of fun but they also know when to turn it off and be serious when the time calls for it.

The Attention Seeker

Not much to explain with this one. It’s maybe someone who you were nice to one time when you thought they were in trouble but it turns out that they have no intention of actually helping themselves. They moan to you about situations and you advise them to avoid those situations but then they keep blatantly doing them and expect you to always have a sympathetic ear.

The Generous

Maybe not someone who’s in your inner circle but will always offer to buy you drinks, will lend you money at the drop of a hat and generally just wants everyone to be happy.

Good cunt. Enjoy them but don’t take advantage!

The Outgrower

Someone you haven’t seen in a while who you used to get on really well with but is now a bit of a prick. They act like they have outgrown and are above you.

This can…not always, but can happen with people who have children. Apparently nothing is as hard as being a parent and anything you do or say is met with “Ha! Try doing that with a child!”

The Failed Outgrower

This humorous branch are the people who once were mental party animals, mad shaggers and just all round crazy folk who liked booze, fucking, good times and no sleep.

These people have since settled down, had children and moved away but they just aren’t happy and long to go back to the person they once were. They are constantly moaning that they miss their pals and are always talking about “The good times!”.

A perfect example of people who were never meant to follow the rules in the book but did anyway.

The Recluse

Someone who rarely comes out and turns up at events unexpectedly and often disappears without saying goodbye.

Smoke ninjas!

The Acquaintance (Negative)

These are the folk who you knew years ago and either couldn’t fucking stand or simply find annoying. They were either snides or simply didn’t click with you. Generally unliked by most of your other friends and when you run into them you do your best to avoid them.

Wannabe BFF

This seems like quite a cruel one but it does happen. This is the person who would love to be in your inner circle and your best friend, but the sad truth is that you don’t have that much in common. If you’re out and about and run into them they don’t leave you alone and are always nipping for your attention.

Nine out of ten times it’s fine and you happily humour them as their company isn’t bad but also dropping subtle hints that the arm is out and it’s that length they should stay at.

Potential BFF

This is where you yourself become the wannabe BFF. It happens with someone you very much admire who you may have quite a lot in common with and as such you’d love to be closer friends. Sometimes it develops that way and sometimes not.

Either way, have the good sense to know boundaries while finding out.

The Cunt

Loathsome bawchum who you would see dead in a second. These people have usually done you a terrible wrong at some point in the past but they can also just be incredibly annoying, arrogant, loud and pretty much unpleasant to be around.

The Best Friend

This goes beyond the inner circle and is someone who you not only share a rich history with but you know, and I mean KNOW that you can count on any time of the day for anything. They know your deepest darkest secrets and have been there through the worst and best times. This can often be confused with inner circle friends but it’s different and somewhat unexplainable.

At the end of the day they’re in your life forever, and you both know it.

The Pineapple on Pizza

Fuck these people!

The Cat

My best friend!

Also dogs and every other animal.


Author: Kitsune Mifune


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